Choice and changes

A big change may be easier to commit to on the surface...but are you ready for all the small things that go with it?  That's trickier...

"Finding balance" sounds to me like something to be done once and checked off, or maybe I can turn over a rock and go, "oh, balance, thereyou are hanging out with my missing socks!"  I've been thinking about this concept lately because I've decided to train for a Tough Mudder event in May.  This is requiring a significant shift in my priorities in life, but more importantly I'm compelled to find a way not to make my life all about this.  It's a significant event for me, a goal and a motivator, but shouldn't (even for the next 6 months) define who I am, nor will I allow it to become so all consuming that completing it becomes the only acceptable outcome.

This situation has highlighted (once again) for me what complex, boundedly rational and fairly predictable creatures we are.  It has brought into sharp relief, in a very personal way, many of the concepts that interest me most...

• complex multi-variant personal choices
• the process of creating and integrating change into life
• group and social support / dynamics
• creating focus in life
• sustaining a livable, balanced life

 I've put those roughly in the order in which they are occurring for me, and seem to happen in most situations.

Complex multi-variants and bounded rationality (sounds fancy, right?)
If we were truly rational decision makers we'd gather all the data about a situation, weigh it logically and then make an analytical assessment and go with the mathematically recommended course.  Obviously this is not the case for any of us, with the exception of our robotic minions (who I suspect are my primary fans on this blog).  We are boundedly rational, meaning we establish patterns, rules of thumb(s?) and other analytical shortcuts.  Usually these help us be more economical in our decision making and not get caught up in constant over-analysis, however, they also leave us open to cognitive bias pitfalls when situations get too complex or emotionally driven to fit our pre-established models.  This can lead to poor or shortsighted decisions.  (So stop blaming yourself for poor choices and start blaming bounded rationality!  A bumper sticker perhaps...?)

My personal example of deciding to attempt to do the Tough Mudder event...  So far I don't consider this a poor decision, however, I will admit to not thinking through all of the smaller ramifications of the choice.  For example...I didn't realize how much my grocery bill would increase due to the amount and quality of food it takes to keep my body happy with this level of exercise.  The impact of new social circles, personality types and social dynamics that have become part of my life has also surprised me.  The need to do a lot more laundry and take a lot more showers...and on and on...

So my point in all this today...whenever you make a decision, especially one with a major paradigm or behavioral shift associated with it, you'll be happier in the long run if you recognize up front that there are far, far more variables (most of them unforeseeable) that will come into play than you can acknowledge or analyze up front.  You can still be mentally, financially and otherwise prepared for this overall trend...but not specifically prepared. 

Today's post was a little disjointed, but that's kind of how I'm feeling right now...I have a feeling I'll find my focus again as I lean into and sit with the changes and transformation that are occurring in my life now and in the weeks to come.

Stop acting like a child! (or not...)

I mentioned "transactional analysis" as an interaction model in my previous post...here's a good place to start...

It's Friday...I'm not feeling particularly verbose today, so I thought I'd have someone else do the talking.  Here is a series of short videos that I think does an excellent job of describing the fundamentals of transactional analysis theory.  They are fairly entertaining and have gotten a lot of mileage with my staff (I suggest you watch them in order - they build on the previous information):

#1: http://youtu.be/nKNyFSLJy6o - Ego States & Basic Transactions

#2: http://youtu.be/YOqJ4sc9TAc - Games

#3: http://youtu.be/58F2qYyAzME - Gimmicks

One of the great strengths of this model is that it shifts the judgement aspect away from the individual and focuses it on the interaction between the parties.  It acknowledges that none of us are "one way" all the time and allows for a variety of dynamics based on the attitude the situation or other party triggers.  I've found it to be a helpful vocabulary and awareness about myself and a different paradigm to understand others' behavior and reactions. 

Unsolicited advice...let me tell you what you should do about it.

We're all guilty of giving unsolicited advice...don't believe me?  Ever said "Have a nice day"?

This is a topic that seems to get the hackles up... "No, not me!  I never!" or "Yes!!! I can't STAND it when people do that!".  Either way, it's going on out there, and chances are you're participating in some way.

The thing is, it's so easy to give this type of advice without even realizing it.  At the fundamental level, even saying "Have a nice day." is telling someone what to do.  I realize that phrase has lost much of its intrinsic meaning in today's society, so I won't belabor that example, but you might want to bear it in mind.

Most of the time the unsolicited advice is given under the guise of being helpful.  Someone expresses a frustration or problem and our natural human connectedness compels us to want to help them...or not.  Even telling someone to "suck it up", "stop whining", "get over it" is UA (I'm tired of typing out the words "unsolicited advice"...so it's UA now...get over it. ;-).  Your response might be more compassionate, such as "hang in there", "cry it out" or "you should talk to so-and-so" - but that is still UA.

Think about it...every time you tell someone what you think they should do, assuming they haven't directly asked you this question, you're giving UA.  These little UA-bites (I'm just makin' terms up as I go along here) build up.  Sometimes it's hard for me to put my finger on why I'm annoyed by a person.  It's not that they're mean, or even come across as a "know it all", but when I stop and consciously put on my "Are they giving me UA?" hat (which is a fabulous fedora-type chapeau) I usually go, "My you look fetching...and oh, oh yes, they are giving me a lot of UA!!"

A small example of the insidiousness of UA:
Felulah: I'm feeling kinda tired this morning...pfft.  <heading toward coffee machine>
Michaelangelo: You should get more sleep.  <dodging coffee cup thrown at him>

When you do this you are really saying, "Clearly you can't make your own decisions or figure out how to take care of yourself, so I'm just going to tell you what's best for you."  All of us really love it when people do that to us, right?  Show of hands?  If you raised your hand, you may want to visit other websites about S&M relationships...there's a place on the internet for you too...

Obviously each situation is different, but if you catch yourself on either end of the dialog, here are a few things to think about (but far be it from me to tell you what to do!):

1.) Receiver: Ask the person "How can I help?" or even better, "Can I help in some way?"
2.) Receiver: Start by commiserating "Ugh, that sounds rough." and see how they respond, sometimes people are just looking for an opening and "ok to share" signal.
3.)  Initiator: Be clear what you need from the other party, "I need to just vent...can you lend me your ear while I get this off my chest?" or if you do want their advice "I'd like your opinion on this..."
4.) Receiver: Ask, "Do you want my opinion?" - be aware this is kind of a loaded question...it takes a confident person to say "no" tactfully - so I'd use this one sparingly
5.) Receiver: Share a similar struggle or anecdote from your life, but be clear it's about you and your particular situation, "I sometimes have trouble falling asleep at night too.  I'm giving hypnosis a try...so far so good!"

Sometimes there is a subtle difference between conveying useful information and telling someone what to do.  Often the quality of the information is good, but the fact that it was posed in a "here's what you should do" format causes it to lose credibility.

So get out there and stop giving UA!  (<- see...see how I did that!?! ;-)

Practice makes...less stress?

Back to my stress related topics..."immunize" yourself against common stressors.

None of us are born knowing how to cope with stress, with the exception of expressing lack of basic needs.  At some point between two and forty years old it becomes inappropriate to cry and scream and poop in your pants if you're not getting what you want.  I'm still not sure of the exact age when that happens...but probably around late 20s.  If you suspect that might not be the best strategy for you, here are a few other techniques to try:

• Identify primary stressors & mentally prepare: Most people think of extremely high stress jobs as needing conditioned training - rescue workers, lion tamers, astronauts, race car drivers - you get the idea...  Even if those aren't your particular ambitions, you can still use similar techniques to prepare for your own conditions.   Visualize yourself in the stressful situation and think about your actions, demeanor and reactions.  Think about why it triggers these responses in you.  By intentfully performing this exercise it activates the same areas in the brain that are activated during the real situation.  Having an understanding and being prepared for what your body and brain will do helps minimize the "in the moment" decisions needed.  Depending on the particular circumstances, watch videos of similar situations and sit with your mental and physical reactions without judging.  This may seem a little silly or simple at first, but if it helps make you a more relaxed, capable person, then why not?  Once you are "in the moment" it's too late - instincts and pre-established patterns take over.  The way that has worked for me to change my patterns is to recognize them outside of the actual event and understand the "whys" that created them.
• A small plan: Take a few minutes and put some thought into something you might do differently to deal with the situation.  There's no need to make an "ultimate plan" (said in a booming echo-y voice), just come up with one little thing you're going to try differently this time.  If it doesn't help, no big deal - try something different next time.  For example - if you know that being stuck in traffic stresses you out, and you have no way to avoid it, how about trying an audio book or podcast instead of music?  What about an audio course to learn a new language for fun?  Who cares if you actually learn something - that's not the point - the point is to take your focus away from your usual stressor - the traffic. 

That being said...my mom just pulled into the driveway...she used to be a source of stress for me (I'm not 12 anymore you know...geeze MOM!!!), but I've worked hard on understanding those triggers and now I'm happy to see her. :-)  

AIDS brings scientists and gamers together...their model can help you too.

While being an expert in your area is great, how often do you look outside your discipline and try to understand the motivations of others?  You might want to consider it...it can change the world. 

One of the coolest collaborations I've seen in a long time just occurred between online gamers and scientists.  Together they mapped the enzyme of an AIDS-like virus.  While this doesn't "cure AIDS" yet, it's a huge step along the way.

What impressed me most about the accomplishment wasn't just the scientific aspect, but the willingness of the science community to think outside its venerated halls of expertise, identify a potentially powerful resource and then devise a contextually appropriate way to leverage that resource.

If they had presented the gaming community with a problem couched in science terms, I'm certain they wouldn't have gotten the awesome outcome they did.  It's got me thinking again on one of my favorite topics...the importance of reading, understanding and tailoring your message to your audience.  How often have you heard, or said the phrase, "It's not what he/she said that bothered me, it's how it was said."?

I leave you with one specific example to think about...  For some people, when they are excited about an idea, their vocal volume increases, they talk faster, and they gesticulate more.  In their minds this is "passion and enthusiasm".  I've seen this interpreted by an audience as "crisis, emergency, call to action" which led to a fundamental disconnect about what was being asked for from the audience.  There are a wide variety of ways to communicate the importance of a message...such as speaking softly but intensely, longer pauses to draw listeners in, allowing your audience to imagine the impact of their contribution, and helping them understand what's in it for them.  These may not occur to you if they're not communication styles you've been regularly exposed to, but if you ask your intended audience or other observers how your idea or message came across, you may be surprised at what you learn.

(Note: I always try to ask people about how my idea or my message came across...not how I did.  People are generally not comfortable with criticizing you as an individual and you may not get accurate feedback that way.)

For the gamers helping the scientists, it came down to the scientists understanding the gamers' strengths and what medium best leveraged them.  Generally speaking, we are all naturally drawn to activities that play to our strengths.

How often to do you take the time to identify the strengths and motivations of your "audience" (co-workers, spouse, significant other, friends, neighbors, children...etc.) before asking for their help, buy-in, support or interest in what you've got to say?

For more info about the scientist-gamer AIDS collaboration go here...it's pretty cool.

Are you avoiding something? You should be...

In a recent study of 3,304 diverse people published in Scientific American Mind magazine they found that, on average, people get a grade of F when it comes to managing stress in their lives.

They then looked at a variety of techniques traditionally used for managing stress, and although most people don't receive formal training in stress management, many people do practice things like yoga and meditation.  These are not nearly as effective as most people think...

Stress has such broad and far ranging effects in our life - from our health, to the way we treat others, the success of our relationships and our overall quality and satisfaction with life to name a few.  In the frenetic, invasive world we live in today, you would think this is a skill that would be taught starting at a young age.  Rather, society treats it as something you're just supposed to know how to "deal with".  Well, I'm here to call shenanigans on that!

The study showed that the best way to deal with stress is to start showing it who's boss before it gets any big ideas...nip it in the bud...a stitch in time saves nine...an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure...

Here are a few ideas - all of which I practice in some form or another in my own life, which in general, is pretty stress free...and not because I'm not out there living - I race cars, yachts and throw knives for fun...I'm a CIO...I beat up a mugger once...I live in two different places (part time in Brooklyn)...I enjoy backwoods trekking in the winter in the Rockies...you get the idea...

• Devote time to identify stressors in your life and devise a plan to deal with them.  This could be as simple as a few minutes while lying in bed in the morning.  Does clutter on the dining room table bother you?  Make a plan to keep the table set at all times to prevent other things from collecting there.  Buy a book about how to declutter.  Just come up with some sort of action to start to take back control.  It can be as simple as taking the first step by committing to get rid of 5 pieces of mail from the table that day.
• Focus on positive ways to release tension.  It's so easy in our culture to turn to alcohol, overeating, drugs, TV watching, World of Warcraft...you get it...all kinds of escapism to deal (or not deal) with stress.  Find ways to reward yourself with pleasurable incentives instead of using them as an escape.  For clearing the mail off the dining room table give yourself an extra hour of gaming time...or crystal meth or something.  
• Keep lists.  Yes, this may sound a little simplistic and dorky, but with so much going on in our lives it's so easy to walk into a room, the grocery store or sit at your desk and have no idea what you were about to do / buy there.  I swear by having a place to write things down when I think of them (usually in my iPhone) and then I can forget about them until I need them called up in the right context.  This way, if I'm choosing to be a slacker and ignore my responsibilities, at least I get the satisfaction of knowing exactly what I'm ignoring.  :-) 

If anyone besides me is reading this, I'd love to hear what stresses you out.  It would also be interesting if you would share your ideas and tips for how you deal with / avoid those things.

I have more of these sorts of strategies, and they're not always easy to do (real change rarely is), but in my experience, it's worth it in the long run.  However, it would be stressful for me to spend the time to write them all out right now...so in order to practice what I preach...ciao for now! (I'll share more in the days to come...)

You are not responsible.

You are not responsible for living up to other people's expectations of who you are.

Just sayin'.