Small change, big difference.

A year ago, I used to be wiped out at the end of a long day of constant meetings...one change made all the difference...can it work for other activities too?

There are certain days of the week where, for a variety of reasons, I have meetings solid from the moment I walk in the office until I shut down my computer in the evening.  These meetings are necessary and engaging, so my issue was not with the volume or the content, but primarily with the stamina and endurance it takes to stay that focused and "on" at a sustained intensity level for 8+ hours.

I am feeling similar demands during my current training for the Tough Mudder.  Doubts creep in...can I really keep this intensity and consistency up for 6 more months?  Yikes - I'm not going to answer that.

So I thought back to the meeting-energy-suck-situation of a year ago and realized, what I did there was effective...maybe I could do something similar in other areas of my life?

The strategy...

If a meeting was normally scheduled for an hour, then the goal was to do it in 50 minutes.  Everyone involved was focused on that goal and part of making it more efficient.  If it was a half hour meeting, I'd aim to chop off those last 5 minutes.  Productivity-wise, it may have even improved our efficiency by helping us maintain focus and have a small accomplishment to "celebrate" at the end of the meeting by hitting our time target.  The value added by having that "breather" between meetings, was tremendous.  The ability to stand up, walk around, see other people, other rooms...whatever...just the change of scenery and allowing for mental transition time between meetings, was more energizing than even I expected.  I'd end the day feeling strong and productive, rather than drained and flat.

So, can I find ways to do this in other aspects of my life, and even more specifically, physical activity training?  I think (hope) so.  One of the techniques recommended to me for endurance training was "always finish strong."  This way, you get your mind used to that feeling of strength when you're in the home stretch. 

I'm about to go out running and had planned on doing a solid 45 minute run (which I'm none too enthusiastic about right now).  Well, self, I'll make a deal with you...how about 40 minutes instead, with a good solid finish at minutes 38 & 39?  If 38 & 39 are positive, focused and strong, we're done.  If they're not...we're going for 45.  I like the idea of rewarding myself for attitude, focus and form (and not just slogging through the longevity because that's what I "said" I'd do).  For those "free" 5 minutes?...that'll be me doing the "I'm spent but I'm happy" dance in the grass next to the running track at McCarren Park in Brooklyn (and possibly checking out the guys playing soccer).  Be there at 5:59pm for the exciting conclusion and possible happy dance...

Happy dance?

The smallest step

Sometimes the only way to start something is to figure out the smallest step you can take right now...

The first thing I heard was the sound of the rain pounding on my window.  It's still dark outside.  My comforter is a snuggly cocoon.  About a thousand different reasons come to mind for burrowing deeper and staying in bed.  But...one thought elbows its way to the front of the line...commitment.  You made a commitment - what's your commitment worth?  Before I could pummel this voice into submission, I found myself answering "a lot - let's do this."  I'm not a morning person (this is an understatement), nor am I a runner by nature, so I asked myself - "what's the smallest thing I can do right now towards my goal?"  Put one foot on the floor.  OK - I can do that.

Thump.  One foot hits the floor (the rest of me still under the blankets).  Thump - second foot.  How long can I keep these blankets on and pretend I'm going back to sleep?  Maybe I can send my bottom half out running while my top half stays in bed? 

I keep asking myself "now what's the smallest thing you can do?"  Open eyes half way.  Turn on some music.  Put on one sock.  Put on the other.  One by one I focused on the smallness of each next step.  Honestly, I was more surprised than anyone to find myself outside and running within about 20 minutes.  Once I was out there, I hit my stride and was like "hell yeah!  I'm runnin' in the rain!  I kick ass...whoohoo!" (Well, until I got scared by the deer in the road...then I kind of lost my cool exterior.)

But the biggest thing I did this morning was to take that first small step.  After that, the chances of me turning back diminished significantly.

Is there something you've been putting off doing?  Some project that seems daunting?  Try to think of the smallest possible step you can take to move it forward...you might be surprised where it takes you.

Choice and changes

A big change may be easier to commit to on the surface...but are you ready for all the small things that go with it?  That's trickier...

"Finding balance" sounds to me like something to be done once and checked off, or maybe I can turn over a rock and go, "oh, balance, thereyou are hanging out with my missing socks!"  I've been thinking about this concept lately because I've decided to train for a Tough Mudder event in May.  This is requiring a significant shift in my priorities in life, but more importantly I'm compelled to find a way not to make my life all about this.  It's a significant event for me, a goal and a motivator, but shouldn't (even for the next 6 months) define who I am, nor will I allow it to become so all consuming that completing it becomes the only acceptable outcome.

This situation has highlighted (once again) for me what complex, boundedly rational and fairly predictable creatures we are.  It has brought into sharp relief, in a very personal way, many of the concepts that interest me most...

• complex multi-variant personal choices
• the process of creating and integrating change into life
• group and social support / dynamics
• creating focus in life
• sustaining a livable, balanced life

 I've put those roughly in the order in which they are occurring for me, and seem to happen in most situations.

Complex multi-variants and bounded rationality (sounds fancy, right?)
If we were truly rational decision makers we'd gather all the data about a situation, weigh it logically and then make an analytical assessment and go with the mathematically recommended course.  Obviously this is not the case for any of us, with the exception of our robotic minions (who I suspect are my primary fans on this blog).  We are boundedly rational, meaning we establish patterns, rules of thumb(s?) and other analytical shortcuts.  Usually these help us be more economical in our decision making and not get caught up in constant over-analysis, however, they also leave us open to cognitive bias pitfalls when situations get too complex or emotionally driven to fit our pre-established models.  This can lead to poor or shortsighted decisions.  (So stop blaming yourself for poor choices and start blaming bounded rationality!  A bumper sticker perhaps...?)

My personal example of deciding to attempt to do the Tough Mudder event...  So far I don't consider this a poor decision, however, I will admit to not thinking through all of the smaller ramifications of the choice.  For example...I didn't realize how much my grocery bill would increase due to the amount and quality of food it takes to keep my body happy with this level of exercise.  The impact of new social circles, personality types and social dynamics that have become part of my life has also surprised me.  The need to do a lot more laundry and take a lot more showers...and on and on...

So my point in all this today...whenever you make a decision, especially one with a major paradigm or behavioral shift associated with it, you'll be happier in the long run if you recognize up front that there are far, far more variables (most of them unforeseeable) that will come into play than you can acknowledge or analyze up front.  You can still be mentally, financially and otherwise prepared for this overall trend...but not specifically prepared. 

Today's post was a little disjointed, but that's kind of how I'm feeling right now...I have a feeling I'll find my focus again as I lean into and sit with the changes and transformation that are occurring in my life now and in the weeks to come.

Stop acting like a child! (or not...)

I mentioned "transactional analysis" as an interaction model in my previous post...here's a good place to start...

It's Friday...I'm not feeling particularly verbose today, so I thought I'd have someone else do the talking.  Here is a series of short videos that I think does an excellent job of describing the fundamentals of transactional analysis theory.  They are fairly entertaining and have gotten a lot of mileage with my staff (I suggest you watch them in order - they build on the previous information):

#1: http://youtu.be/nKNyFSLJy6o - Ego States & Basic Transactions

#2: http://youtu.be/YOqJ4sc9TAc - Games

#3: http://youtu.be/58F2qYyAzME - Gimmicks

One of the great strengths of this model is that it shifts the judgement aspect away from the individual and focuses it on the interaction between the parties.  It acknowledges that none of us are "one way" all the time and allows for a variety of dynamics based on the attitude the situation or other party triggers.  I've found it to be a helpful vocabulary and awareness about myself and a different paradigm to understand others' behavior and reactions. 

Unsolicited advice...let me tell you what you should do about it.

We're all guilty of giving unsolicited advice...don't believe me?  Ever said "Have a nice day"?

This is a topic that seems to get the hackles up... "No, not me!  I never!" or "Yes!!! I can't STAND it when people do that!".  Either way, it's going on out there, and chances are you're participating in some way.

The thing is, it's so easy to give this type of advice without even realizing it.  At the fundamental level, even saying "Have a nice day." is telling someone what to do.  I realize that phrase has lost much of its intrinsic meaning in today's society, so I won't belabor that example, but you might want to bear it in mind.

Most of the time the unsolicited advice is given under the guise of being helpful.  Someone expresses a frustration or problem and our natural human connectedness compels us to want to help them...or not.  Even telling someone to "suck it up", "stop whining", "get over it" is UA (I'm tired of typing out the words "unsolicited advice"...so it's UA now...get over it. ;-).  Your response might be more compassionate, such as "hang in there", "cry it out" or "you should talk to so-and-so" - but that is still UA.

Think about it...every time you tell someone what you think they should do, assuming they haven't directly asked you this question, you're giving UA.  These little UA-bites (I'm just makin' terms up as I go along here) build up.  Sometimes it's hard for me to put my finger on why I'm annoyed by a person.  It's not that they're mean, or even come across as a "know it all", but when I stop and consciously put on my "Are they giving me UA?" hat (which is a fabulous fedora-type chapeau) I usually go, "My you look fetching...and oh, oh yes, they are giving me a lot of UA!!"

A small example of the insidiousness of UA:
Felulah: I'm feeling kinda tired this morning...pfft.  <heading toward coffee machine>
Michaelangelo: You should get more sleep.  <dodging coffee cup thrown at him>

When you do this you are really saying, "Clearly you can't make your own decisions or figure out how to take care of yourself, so I'm just going to tell you what's best for you."  All of us really love it when people do that to us, right?  Show of hands?  If you raised your hand, you may want to visit other websites about S&M relationships...there's a place on the internet for you too...

Obviously each situation is different, but if you catch yourself on either end of the dialog, here are a few things to think about (but far be it from me to tell you what to do!):

1.) Receiver: Ask the person "How can I help?" or even better, "Can I help in some way?"
2.) Receiver: Start by commiserating "Ugh, that sounds rough." and see how they respond, sometimes people are just looking for an opening and "ok to share" signal.
3.)  Initiator: Be clear what you need from the other party, "I need to just vent...can you lend me your ear while I get this off my chest?" or if you do want their advice "I'd like your opinion on this..."
4.) Receiver: Ask, "Do you want my opinion?" - be aware this is kind of a loaded question...it takes a confident person to say "no" tactfully - so I'd use this one sparingly
5.) Receiver: Share a similar struggle or anecdote from your life, but be clear it's about you and your particular situation, "I sometimes have trouble falling asleep at night too.  I'm giving hypnosis a try...so far so good!"

Sometimes there is a subtle difference between conveying useful information and telling someone what to do.  Often the quality of the information is good, but the fact that it was posed in a "here's what you should do" format causes it to lose credibility.

So get out there and stop giving UA!  (<- see...see how I did that!?! ;-)