This is a topic that seems to get the hackles up... "No, not me! I never!" or "Yes!!! I can't STAND it when people do that!". Either way, it's going on out there, and chances are you're participating in some way.
The thing is, it's so easy to give this type of advice without even realizing it. At the fundamental level, even saying "Have a nice day." is telling someone what to do. I realize that phrase has lost much of its intrinsic meaning in today's society, so I won't belabor that example, but you might want to bear it in mind.
Most of the time the unsolicited advice is given under the guise of being helpful. Someone expresses a frustration or problem and our natural human connectedness compels us to want to help them...or not. Even telling someone to "suck it up", "stop whining", "get over it" is UA (I'm tired of typing out the words "unsolicited advice"...so it's UA now...get over it. ;-). Your response might be more compassionate, such as "hang in there", "cry it out" or "you should talk to so-and-so" - but that is still UA.
Think about it...every time you tell someone what you think they should do, assuming they haven't directly asked you this question, you're giving UA. These little UA-bites (I'm just makin' terms up as I go along here) build up. Sometimes it's hard for me to put my finger on why I'm annoyed by a person. It's not that they're mean, or even come across as a "know it all", but when I stop and consciously put on my "Are they giving me UA?" hat (which is a fabulous fedora-type chapeau) I usually go, "My you look fetching...and oh, oh yes, they are giving me a lot of UA!!"
A small example of the insidiousness of UA:
Felulah: I'm feeling kinda tired this morning...pfft. <heading toward coffee machine>
Michaelangelo: You should get more sleep. <dodging coffee cup thrown at him>
When you do this you are really saying, "Clearly you can't make your own decisions or figure out how to take care of yourself, so I'm just going to tell you what's best for you." All of us really love it when people do that to us, right? Show of hands? If you raised your hand, you may want to visit other websites about S&M relationships...there's a place on the internet for you too...
Obviously each situation is different, but if you catch yourself on either end of the dialog, here are a few things to think about (but far be it from me to tell you what to do!):
1.) Receiver: Ask the person "How can I help?" or even better, "Can I help in some way?"
2.) Receiver: Start by commiserating "Ugh, that sounds rough." and see how they respond, sometimes people are just looking for an opening and "ok to share" signal.
3.) Initiator: Be clear what you need from the other party, "I need to just vent...can you lend me your ear while I get this off my chest?" or if you do want their advice "I'd like your opinion on this..."
4.) Receiver: Ask, "Do you want my opinion?" - be aware this is kind of a loaded question...it takes a confident person to say "no" tactfully - so I'd use this one sparingly
5.) Receiver: Share a similar struggle or anecdote from your life, but be clear it's about you and your particular situation, "I sometimes have trouble falling asleep at night too. I'm giving hypnosis a try...so far so good!"
Sometimes there is a subtle difference between conveying useful information and telling someone what to do. Often the quality of the information is good, but the fact that it was posed in a "here's what you should do" format causes it to lose credibility.
So get out there and stop giving UA! (<- see...see how I did that!?! ;-)
I suppose the fact that I came to your blog--and read the entire post--means I've solicited this advice, so your final sentence is just plain old "A"... or perhaps even SA.
ReplyDeleteI think there's also a certain personality type, common to men, that suffer from the UA affliction, not because they are eager to espouse their own successful living habits, but because they are "problem solvers". I see this a lot in the work place (and in the mirror, oddly enough) where one's very purpose is to solve problems. So complaints are often heard not as a signaled desire to communicate but as "A Problem In Want Of A Solution".
Thus, with the very best of intentions, the problem-solver (and reductive communicator) eagerly leaps into action, isolating the issue, applying potential remedies, testing their effectiveness and confidently recommending a solution. For these types (which most certainly doesn't include me... certainly not) avoiding UA is like like giving a cross-word puzzle to Will Shortz and hiding all the pencils.
I'm definitely not going to comment on what's "common to men"...I'm not feeling masochistic today...however, I'm also a problem-solver by nature. This topic of UA is near and dear to my heart. I didn't have to look any further than the mirror for my own example either. For years I had no idea the impact this had on others. I'm still FAR from perfect (and hope always to be), but this is an area I've put significant conscious effort into, and seen a marked change in my communication ability, social impact and relationships.
ReplyDeleteI've also noticed that by asking a few open ended questions, rather than jumping into action (and boy do I know how to do the "action" thing...), you end up with insights about the person and the situation that are sometimes mind blowing, but at the very least, eye opening.
I love your crossword analogy...and am picturing it filled out in blood now. Eeew.
Whether you choose to try to change your actions or not, having the awareness of them and why other people react the way they do can be a powerful tool in and of itself.
I agree completely.
ReplyDeleteAnd to be clear, I'm not suggesting that just because the problem solver type offers UA with the best of intentions that it is justified or somehow less obnoxious. I'm totally guilty of it (just ask my wife!) and work hard to become more aware of how I communicate. I earn my living writing sales copy and know well the power of even the subtlest of changes to wording, phrasing, and inflection.
I enjoyed your post. Keep them coming.
Thanks for the encouragement...it's not always easy to put myself out there, but it's always worth it.
ReplyDelete(Wait, when you said "keep them coming" were you telling me what to do!?!?) j/k ;-)
I think you're right, but sometimes there's no good alternative when people are complaining. If someone is going on and on about how their feet hurt, you can only say "gee, that's too bad" so many times. After a while your only options are either to step in and try to help solve the problem or to tell them to get the hell away from you.
ReplyDeleteI think I would even go so far as to say that complaining is tantamount to soliciting advice, partly because I really like the word "tantamount".
I wonder what the foot complainer would do if you said "what can I do to help?" And if they said "nothing" then..."well, that sounds like a bummer, good luck with that." And walk away. I'm not suggesting this is a technique for starting a long drawn out dialog with someone or even for being nice or polite, but rather to be aware of doing it unintentionally. Also, there is a theory of social interaction called "transactional analysis" and if you give UA you are potentially feeding into someone's gimmick and playing their game.
ReplyDeleteFor example - "Maybe you should get some new shoes then." "Yes, but none of the stores have ones I like." "Maybe you should see a foot doc." "They are too expensive and with our stupid health care system who has time?" And on and on... This is called the "yes, but..." game in transactional analysis theory and you've just pulled up a seat at the table.
Perhaps you've just given me fodder for my next post - transactional analysis is some powerful stuff in negotiation (and dare I say - manipulation) tactics.
(Tantamount is a great word! I'm going to find a way to use it in casual conversation today!)
I'd be interested to read that! I've definitely been on the butt end of the yes-but game.
ReplyDelete