Takin' care of business...nope...takin' care of me...

I'm sure I'm the only one who ever feels overwhelmed and not sure where to turn first...or next...or wait, what about that other thing...arrrgh!

I haven't written this past week or so because I've been sick.  I figure, I have no business pushing myself to blog or feel guilty about it if I can't even muster up the energy to take a shower.  So yeah, my criteria for high quality writing is on par with the ability to bathe myself.  Something like that...


However, it brought to mind some advice I was given, by a wise woman several years ago, that has always served me well, "When you don't know where to turn or what to do next, take care of yourself first."  It seems so simple, yet almost always feels counter-intuitive when I need it most.

We all have a huge number of demands on our time...jobs, children, hobbies, life goals, partners, friends, family, social commitments, health and fitness goals (don't even get me started on New Years resolutions!), and so on.  Many of these are enjoyable and by choice.  However, that doesn't mean they can't be draining, especially when your schedule looks like the perfect storm of obligations converging.

I could write a whole (or several) entries on "saying no", and I'm sure I'll explore that further at some point, however, this entry is about recognizing when to pause and listen to that voice that says, "you have some basic needs that need to be met so you can make good decisions, be social, be reliable, etc."  This seems like a first cousin to "saying no."

There was a time, a number of years ago, when I had pushed myself professionally to exhaustion.  I had so much on my shoulders that I couldn't tell you what day it was, what time it was, if I was wearing clean clothes, the last time I'd gone to bed before 3am....you get the idea.  I ended up sitting on the floor of the server closet (it wasn't even a proper room...just a tiny closet) at work and having a meltdown (yes, tears and snot were involved...). 

Someone walked in and asked what they could do to help...it was about 3pm...my response was, "Please bring me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, chips and a coke."  I realized I couldn't remember the last time I'd eaten.  After that, I went and washed my face and brushed my hair and emailed a few people telling them that things wouldn't be fixed that day.  I resembled a human again, went home, got some sleep and came in early the next day and pulled some IT kung-fu on that server (and felt great about it!).

I'd love to say I learned my lesson and lived happily every after from that day forward, but no, it has taken a few more near-meltdowns of various sorts to put the pieces together and realize the importance of catching myself early when I'm in need of attention - and then putting myself first and meeting my needs without feeling guilty.  Even today, with all the self-awareness I've focused on this effort, I still get to the point of feeling overwhelmed a few times a year.  However, now, when that happens, I know what to do...eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Take care of yourselves during this busy, high stress time of year, don't forget to use your sense of humor, and realize that the party (even a fancy dinner party!) will go on if you're late.  If every last decoration isn't perfect...oh well, call it "character."  And if you say "no" to social invitations, sure, some people might miss you or be disappointed, but what a good excuse to get together for cocktails in the new year!

Happy holidays everyone...

It's important to know when t

When I was training my dog they reinforced the practice of stopping while it was still fun for you and the dog...leave 'em wanting more.  I think Aymii-training sessions should work that way too!

One possibly-not-so-obvious aspect of the 15 minutes a day plan is to be diligent about stopping at 15 minutes...even if I feel like I'm on a roll or I might forget some really important point.  I used to feel compelled to get to a "good stopping point" before taking a break from a project.  I've noticed that, as I've evolved my behavior change and time management skills, leaving off at a really awkward point (even *gasp* in the middle of a sentence) actually makes it easier for me to pick up again when I come back.  It's very obvious where I stopped!  It's also good training for my brain to reinforce that leaving something part-way finished (with a clear plan to come back to it) has positive consequences.  Of course, if you make a habit of leaving projects unfinished with no clear plan to store them, dispose of them or come back to them...that's another story...and a different behavioral pattern for a different day... (and possibly someone else's blog...)
 
Forcing myself not to overdo it has provided unforeseen benefits:

• It helps distill what is truly important.  If I can't remember what I wanted to say the next day, it probably wasn't all that critical to begin with.
• It forces me to focus.  Knowing that I only have 15 minutes on the clock makes me put all my energy into writing / editing / proofreading during that time.  I've developed adjunct habits to eliminate distractions during this period.
• As mentioned above, it (over time) creates a comfort level with leaving things incomplete.  This is a can be difficult for those of us (looking myself squarely in the eye) who link accomplishment to closure.  It can manifest itself in numerous unexpected ways throughout life (i.e. "cleaning your plate" as a sign when to stop eating, rather than when you're full - a topic for another day).
• It gives me the right amount of breathing room to come back and proof-read and edit.  If I proof-read right when I've finished, then I'm in the same mindset and am likely to skim over points that could use some revising.  I'd like to think this also improves the quality of the output...
• I leaves me wanting more.  15 minutes is enough time to get a decent amount of focused writing done, but I'm left with the sense of having more to say and wanting to come back.

So you can figure out for yourselves how long it took me to complete this post.  I've been true to this daily habit so far, and am actually enjoying it far more than I anticipated and definitely more than I did when a writing session equated to finishing the blog post.

As an aside - I also learned to play the bodhran (Irish drum) this way.  I used to practice only while my english muffins were in the toaster in the morning.  Now I'm quite accomplished at it, but always have a vague desire to eat breakfast foods after an Irish session. :-)

We have liftoff...

But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it.- Alice in Alice in Wonderland

Hi there...it's been a while.  How you doing?  I could provide a song and dance about how busy I've been, but the truth of the matter is, I had good advice for myself, but didn't have an actionable plan to keep my blogging consistent.  However, I did have tremendous success at making excuses about why I would "do it tomorrow".

Looking back, I was making it out to be a much "bigger thing" than it needs to be.  I started looking at other blogs out there and telling myself, "You should have more pictures...you should be funny...you should inspire the world...you should have witty, remarkable, insightful things to say all the time!"  Yeah, no pressure...

So, I'm going back to square one of behavior change theory and applying it to myself.  When trying to create a new habit, think of it like a rocket launch.  There is an initial phase where A LOT of energy (approximately a gazillion pounds of thrust in my pseudo-scientific opinion) is needed to get out of orbit.  This needs to be constant energy.  However, once the rocket has gained sufficient momentum and left the atmosphere, it is able to orbit with very little energy expenditure.  Mostly to adjust course from time to time.  (I'm going to totally ignore the re-entry part of things...)

With my blog-rocket (that sounds slimy and gross for some reason...like a snot-rocket) I haven't yet made it out of the atmosphere.  I need to maintain consistent pressure.  So...I will attempt to write for 15 minutes each day.  No more, no less.  I can find 15 minutes.  I won't necessarily post every day.  I may come back the next day and finish or proofread an entry before posting it, but I will make the commitment to create the habit.  During the launch phase it's much more important to focus on consistency and frequency than lengthy duration.  In behavior change theory, this phase will usually last about 3 months to truly integrate a new habit.

After 3 months, (once you are in orbit) you can alter the pattern more easily.  Maybe I'll write twice a week for an hour each...whatever...the point is, during that phase I can more easily mess around with the pattern without as much risk of losing all momentum.

So yeah, for now, me and my blog-rocket are leaving the launch pad...15 minutes at a time.

(p.s. the Tough Mudder training is going really well...more on that another time...)

Small change, big difference.

A year ago, I used to be wiped out at the end of a long day of constant meetings...one change made all the difference...can it work for other activities too?

There are certain days of the week where, for a variety of reasons, I have meetings solid from the moment I walk in the office until I shut down my computer in the evening.  These meetings are necessary and engaging, so my issue was not with the volume or the content, but primarily with the stamina and endurance it takes to stay that focused and "on" at a sustained intensity level for 8+ hours.

I am feeling similar demands during my current training for the Tough Mudder.  Doubts creep in...can I really keep this intensity and consistency up for 6 more months?  Yikes - I'm not going to answer that.

So I thought back to the meeting-energy-suck-situation of a year ago and realized, what I did there was effective...maybe I could do something similar in other areas of my life?

The strategy...

If a meeting was normally scheduled for an hour, then the goal was to do it in 50 minutes.  Everyone involved was focused on that goal and part of making it more efficient.  If it was a half hour meeting, I'd aim to chop off those last 5 minutes.  Productivity-wise, it may have even improved our efficiency by helping us maintain focus and have a small accomplishment to "celebrate" at the end of the meeting by hitting our time target.  The value added by having that "breather" between meetings, was tremendous.  The ability to stand up, walk around, see other people, other rooms...whatever...just the change of scenery and allowing for mental transition time between meetings, was more energizing than even I expected.  I'd end the day feeling strong and productive, rather than drained and flat.

So, can I find ways to do this in other aspects of my life, and even more specifically, physical activity training?  I think (hope) so.  One of the techniques recommended to me for endurance training was "always finish strong."  This way, you get your mind used to that feeling of strength when you're in the home stretch. 

I'm about to go out running and had planned on doing a solid 45 minute run (which I'm none too enthusiastic about right now).  Well, self, I'll make a deal with you...how about 40 minutes instead, with a good solid finish at minutes 38 & 39?  If 38 & 39 are positive, focused and strong, we're done.  If they're not...we're going for 45.  I like the idea of rewarding myself for attitude, focus and form (and not just slogging through the longevity because that's what I "said" I'd do).  For those "free" 5 minutes?...that'll be me doing the "I'm spent but I'm happy" dance in the grass next to the running track at McCarren Park in Brooklyn (and possibly checking out the guys playing soccer).  Be there at 5:59pm for the exciting conclusion and possible happy dance...

Happy dance?

The smallest step

Sometimes the only way to start something is to figure out the smallest step you can take right now...

The first thing I heard was the sound of the rain pounding on my window.  It's still dark outside.  My comforter is a snuggly cocoon.  About a thousand different reasons come to mind for burrowing deeper and staying in bed.  But...one thought elbows its way to the front of the line...commitment.  You made a commitment - what's your commitment worth?  Before I could pummel this voice into submission, I found myself answering "a lot - let's do this."  I'm not a morning person (this is an understatement), nor am I a runner by nature, so I asked myself - "what's the smallest thing I can do right now towards my goal?"  Put one foot on the floor.  OK - I can do that.

Thump.  One foot hits the floor (the rest of me still under the blankets).  Thump - second foot.  How long can I keep these blankets on and pretend I'm going back to sleep?  Maybe I can send my bottom half out running while my top half stays in bed? 

I keep asking myself "now what's the smallest thing you can do?"  Open eyes half way.  Turn on some music.  Put on one sock.  Put on the other.  One by one I focused on the smallness of each next step.  Honestly, I was more surprised than anyone to find myself outside and running within about 20 minutes.  Once I was out there, I hit my stride and was like "hell yeah!  I'm runnin' in the rain!  I kick ass...whoohoo!" (Well, until I got scared by the deer in the road...then I kind of lost my cool exterior.)

But the biggest thing I did this morning was to take that first small step.  After that, the chances of me turning back diminished significantly.

Is there something you've been putting off doing?  Some project that seems daunting?  Try to think of the smallest possible step you can take to move it forward...you might be surprised where it takes you.

Choice and changes

A big change may be easier to commit to on the surface...but are you ready for all the small things that go with it?  That's trickier...

"Finding balance" sounds to me like something to be done once and checked off, or maybe I can turn over a rock and go, "oh, balance, thereyou are hanging out with my missing socks!"  I've been thinking about this concept lately because I've decided to train for a Tough Mudder event in May.  This is requiring a significant shift in my priorities in life, but more importantly I'm compelled to find a way not to make my life all about this.  It's a significant event for me, a goal and a motivator, but shouldn't (even for the next 6 months) define who I am, nor will I allow it to become so all consuming that completing it becomes the only acceptable outcome.

This situation has highlighted (once again) for me what complex, boundedly rational and fairly predictable creatures we are.  It has brought into sharp relief, in a very personal way, many of the concepts that interest me most...

• complex multi-variant personal choices
• the process of creating and integrating change into life
• group and social support / dynamics
• creating focus in life
• sustaining a livable, balanced life

 I've put those roughly in the order in which they are occurring for me, and seem to happen in most situations.

Complex multi-variants and bounded rationality (sounds fancy, right?)
If we were truly rational decision makers we'd gather all the data about a situation, weigh it logically and then make an analytical assessment and go with the mathematically recommended course.  Obviously this is not the case for any of us, with the exception of our robotic minions (who I suspect are my primary fans on this blog).  We are boundedly rational, meaning we establish patterns, rules of thumb(s?) and other analytical shortcuts.  Usually these help us be more economical in our decision making and not get caught up in constant over-analysis, however, they also leave us open to cognitive bias pitfalls when situations get too complex or emotionally driven to fit our pre-established models.  This can lead to poor or shortsighted decisions.  (So stop blaming yourself for poor choices and start blaming bounded rationality!  A bumper sticker perhaps...?)

My personal example of deciding to attempt to do the Tough Mudder event...  So far I don't consider this a poor decision, however, I will admit to not thinking through all of the smaller ramifications of the choice.  For example...I didn't realize how much my grocery bill would increase due to the amount and quality of food it takes to keep my body happy with this level of exercise.  The impact of new social circles, personality types and social dynamics that have become part of my life has also surprised me.  The need to do a lot more laundry and take a lot more showers...and on and on...

So my point in all this today...whenever you make a decision, especially one with a major paradigm or behavioral shift associated with it, you'll be happier in the long run if you recognize up front that there are far, far more variables (most of them unforeseeable) that will come into play than you can acknowledge or analyze up front.  You can still be mentally, financially and otherwise prepared for this overall trend...but not specifically prepared. 

Today's post was a little disjointed, but that's kind of how I'm feeling right now...I have a feeling I'll find my focus again as I lean into and sit with the changes and transformation that are occurring in my life now and in the weeks to come.

Stop acting like a child! (or not...)

I mentioned "transactional analysis" as an interaction model in my previous post...here's a good place to start...

It's Friday...I'm not feeling particularly verbose today, so I thought I'd have someone else do the talking.  Here is a series of short videos that I think does an excellent job of describing the fundamentals of transactional analysis theory.  They are fairly entertaining and have gotten a lot of mileage with my staff (I suggest you watch them in order - they build on the previous information):

#1: http://youtu.be/nKNyFSLJy6o - Ego States & Basic Transactions

#2: http://youtu.be/YOqJ4sc9TAc - Games

#3: http://youtu.be/58F2qYyAzME - Gimmicks

One of the great strengths of this model is that it shifts the judgement aspect away from the individual and focuses it on the interaction between the parties.  It acknowledges that none of us are "one way" all the time and allows for a variety of dynamics based on the attitude the situation or other party triggers.  I've found it to be a helpful vocabulary and awareness about myself and a different paradigm to understand others' behavior and reactions. 

Unsolicited advice...let me tell you what you should do about it.

We're all guilty of giving unsolicited advice...don't believe me?  Ever said "Have a nice day"?

This is a topic that seems to get the hackles up... "No, not me!  I never!" or "Yes!!! I can't STAND it when people do that!".  Either way, it's going on out there, and chances are you're participating in some way.

The thing is, it's so easy to give this type of advice without even realizing it.  At the fundamental level, even saying "Have a nice day." is telling someone what to do.  I realize that phrase has lost much of its intrinsic meaning in today's society, so I won't belabor that example, but you might want to bear it in mind.

Most of the time the unsolicited advice is given under the guise of being helpful.  Someone expresses a frustration or problem and our natural human connectedness compels us to want to help them...or not.  Even telling someone to "suck it up", "stop whining", "get over it" is UA (I'm tired of typing out the words "unsolicited advice"...so it's UA now...get over it. ;-).  Your response might be more compassionate, such as "hang in there", "cry it out" or "you should talk to so-and-so" - but that is still UA.

Think about it...every time you tell someone what you think they should do, assuming they haven't directly asked you this question, you're giving UA.  These little UA-bites (I'm just makin' terms up as I go along here) build up.  Sometimes it's hard for me to put my finger on why I'm annoyed by a person.  It's not that they're mean, or even come across as a "know it all", but when I stop and consciously put on my "Are they giving me UA?" hat (which is a fabulous fedora-type chapeau) I usually go, "My you look fetching...and oh, oh yes, they are giving me a lot of UA!!"

A small example of the insidiousness of UA:
Felulah: I'm feeling kinda tired this morning...pfft.  <heading toward coffee machine>
Michaelangelo: You should get more sleep.  <dodging coffee cup thrown at him>

When you do this you are really saying, "Clearly you can't make your own decisions or figure out how to take care of yourself, so I'm just going to tell you what's best for you."  All of us really love it when people do that to us, right?  Show of hands?  If you raised your hand, you may want to visit other websites about S&M relationships...there's a place on the internet for you too...

Obviously each situation is different, but if you catch yourself on either end of the dialog, here are a few things to think about (but far be it from me to tell you what to do!):

1.) Receiver: Ask the person "How can I help?" or even better, "Can I help in some way?"
2.) Receiver: Start by commiserating "Ugh, that sounds rough." and see how they respond, sometimes people are just looking for an opening and "ok to share" signal.
3.)  Initiator: Be clear what you need from the other party, "I need to just vent...can you lend me your ear while I get this off my chest?" or if you do want their advice "I'd like your opinion on this..."
4.) Receiver: Ask, "Do you want my opinion?" - be aware this is kind of a loaded question...it takes a confident person to say "no" tactfully - so I'd use this one sparingly
5.) Receiver: Share a similar struggle or anecdote from your life, but be clear it's about you and your particular situation, "I sometimes have trouble falling asleep at night too.  I'm giving hypnosis a try...so far so good!"

Sometimes there is a subtle difference between conveying useful information and telling someone what to do.  Often the quality of the information is good, but the fact that it was posed in a "here's what you should do" format causes it to lose credibility.

So get out there and stop giving UA!  (<- see...see how I did that!?! ;-)

Practice makes...less stress?

Back to my stress related topics..."immunize" yourself against common stressors.

None of us are born knowing how to cope with stress, with the exception of expressing lack of basic needs.  At some point between two and forty years old it becomes inappropriate to cry and scream and poop in your pants if you're not getting what you want.  I'm still not sure of the exact age when that happens...but probably around late 20s.  If you suspect that might not be the best strategy for you, here are a few other techniques to try:

• Identify primary stressors & mentally prepare: Most people think of extremely high stress jobs as needing conditioned training - rescue workers, lion tamers, astronauts, race car drivers - you get the idea...  Even if those aren't your particular ambitions, you can still use similar techniques to prepare for your own conditions.   Visualize yourself in the stressful situation and think about your actions, demeanor and reactions.  Think about why it triggers these responses in you.  By intentfully performing this exercise it activates the same areas in the brain that are activated during the real situation.  Having an understanding and being prepared for what your body and brain will do helps minimize the "in the moment" decisions needed.  Depending on the particular circumstances, watch videos of similar situations and sit with your mental and physical reactions without judging.  This may seem a little silly or simple at first, but if it helps make you a more relaxed, capable person, then why not?  Once you are "in the moment" it's too late - instincts and pre-established patterns take over.  The way that has worked for me to change my patterns is to recognize them outside of the actual event and understand the "whys" that created them.
• A small plan: Take a few minutes and put some thought into something you might do differently to deal with the situation.  There's no need to make an "ultimate plan" (said in a booming echo-y voice), just come up with one little thing you're going to try differently this time.  If it doesn't help, no big deal - try something different next time.  For example - if you know that being stuck in traffic stresses you out, and you have no way to avoid it, how about trying an audio book or podcast instead of music?  What about an audio course to learn a new language for fun?  Who cares if you actually learn something - that's not the point - the point is to take your focus away from your usual stressor - the traffic. 

That being said...my mom just pulled into the driveway...she used to be a source of stress for me (I'm not 12 anymore you know...geeze MOM!!!), but I've worked hard on understanding those triggers and now I'm happy to see her. :-)  

AIDS brings scientists and gamers together...their model can help you too.

While being an expert in your area is great, how often do you look outside your discipline and try to understand the motivations of others?  You might want to consider it...it can change the world. 

One of the coolest collaborations I've seen in a long time just occurred between online gamers and scientists.  Together they mapped the enzyme of an AIDS-like virus.  While this doesn't "cure AIDS" yet, it's a huge step along the way.

What impressed me most about the accomplishment wasn't just the scientific aspect, but the willingness of the science community to think outside its venerated halls of expertise, identify a potentially powerful resource and then devise a contextually appropriate way to leverage that resource.

If they had presented the gaming community with a problem couched in science terms, I'm certain they wouldn't have gotten the awesome outcome they did.  It's got me thinking again on one of my favorite topics...the importance of reading, understanding and tailoring your message to your audience.  How often have you heard, or said the phrase, "It's not what he/she said that bothered me, it's how it was said."?

I leave you with one specific example to think about...  For some people, when they are excited about an idea, their vocal volume increases, they talk faster, and they gesticulate more.  In their minds this is "passion and enthusiasm".  I've seen this interpreted by an audience as "crisis, emergency, call to action" which led to a fundamental disconnect about what was being asked for from the audience.  There are a wide variety of ways to communicate the importance of a message...such as speaking softly but intensely, longer pauses to draw listeners in, allowing your audience to imagine the impact of their contribution, and helping them understand what's in it for them.  These may not occur to you if they're not communication styles you've been regularly exposed to, but if you ask your intended audience or other observers how your idea or message came across, you may be surprised at what you learn.

(Note: I always try to ask people about how my idea or my message came across...not how I did.  People are generally not comfortable with criticizing you as an individual and you may not get accurate feedback that way.)

For the gamers helping the scientists, it came down to the scientists understanding the gamers' strengths and what medium best leveraged them.  Generally speaking, we are all naturally drawn to activities that play to our strengths.

How often to do you take the time to identify the strengths and motivations of your "audience" (co-workers, spouse, significant other, friends, neighbors, children...etc.) before asking for their help, buy-in, support or interest in what you've got to say?

For more info about the scientist-gamer AIDS collaboration go here...it's pretty cool.

Are you avoiding something? You should be...

In a recent study of 3,304 diverse people published in Scientific American Mind magazine they found that, on average, people get a grade of F when it comes to managing stress in their lives.

They then looked at a variety of techniques traditionally used for managing stress, and although most people don't receive formal training in stress management, many people do practice things like yoga and meditation.  These are not nearly as effective as most people think...

Stress has such broad and far ranging effects in our life - from our health, to the way we treat others, the success of our relationships and our overall quality and satisfaction with life to name a few.  In the frenetic, invasive world we live in today, you would think this is a skill that would be taught starting at a young age.  Rather, society treats it as something you're just supposed to know how to "deal with".  Well, I'm here to call shenanigans on that!

The study showed that the best way to deal with stress is to start showing it who's boss before it gets any big ideas...nip it in the bud...a stitch in time saves nine...an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure...

Here are a few ideas - all of which I practice in some form or another in my own life, which in general, is pretty stress free...and not because I'm not out there living - I race cars, yachts and throw knives for fun...I'm a CIO...I beat up a mugger once...I live in two different places (part time in Brooklyn)...I enjoy backwoods trekking in the winter in the Rockies...you get the idea...

• Devote time to identify stressors in your life and devise a plan to deal with them.  This could be as simple as a few minutes while lying in bed in the morning.  Does clutter on the dining room table bother you?  Make a plan to keep the table set at all times to prevent other things from collecting there.  Buy a book about how to declutter.  Just come up with some sort of action to start to take back control.  It can be as simple as taking the first step by committing to get rid of 5 pieces of mail from the table that day.
• Focus on positive ways to release tension.  It's so easy in our culture to turn to alcohol, overeating, drugs, TV watching, World of Warcraft...you get it...all kinds of escapism to deal (or not deal) with stress.  Find ways to reward yourself with pleasurable incentives instead of using them as an escape.  For clearing the mail off the dining room table give yourself an extra hour of gaming time...or crystal meth or something.  
• Keep lists.  Yes, this may sound a little simplistic and dorky, but with so much going on in our lives it's so easy to walk into a room, the grocery store or sit at your desk and have no idea what you were about to do / buy there.  I swear by having a place to write things down when I think of them (usually in my iPhone) and then I can forget about them until I need them called up in the right context.  This way, if I'm choosing to be a slacker and ignore my responsibilities, at least I get the satisfaction of knowing exactly what I'm ignoring.  :-) 

If anyone besides me is reading this, I'd love to hear what stresses you out.  It would also be interesting if you would share your ideas and tips for how you deal with / avoid those things.

I have more of these sorts of strategies, and they're not always easy to do (real change rarely is), but in my experience, it's worth it in the long run.  However, it would be stressful for me to spend the time to write them all out right now...so in order to practice what I preach...ciao for now! (I'll share more in the days to come...)

You are not responsible.

You are not responsible for living up to other people's expectations of who you are.

Just sayin'.

What makes you feel important?

There was a time when a cell phone ringing, beeping and buzzing was a sign that you were "important"...I think that time has passed.

There is a cliche' of the "important business person" or "popular guy/gal" that includes a scene where they're out in some social context and their power/popularity is displayed by the fact that their phone constantly lets them know that others are seeking them out.  Most of the time they seem to feel the need for some brief response or at least a look to see who it is.  They may make apologetic comments, but it seems that secretly they feel pretty badass that they are so critical to so many people.

These days most of us have phones that beep and buzz and turn into a rave party at the slightest bit of incoming information.  Personally, I'm impressed with a person who has the power, control, discipline and social acumen to ignore all of that incoming stimuli.  It shows that they have a strong, clear sense of being able to choose when and how information will influence them.  They are in control of their focus and interactions rather than letting others' priorities dictate when they have access to them.  To me, this is power.

Do you have a place to be bad?

People seem to put a lot of pressure on themselves to be good at something right from the start...do you ever specifically think about your "place to be bad" when you're learning something new?

A couple weeks ago I chatting with a world renown athlete.  You know who this person is...I guarantee it (or you're part of some weird biodome experiment...and if so, why are you reading this blog?).  He has excelled in his chosen sport and at many other things in life.  We got talking about how he wanted to learn to cook and he said, "Yeah, but I probably won't because I don't think I'll be good at it."  I said, "Of course you won't be good at it right away...that's what makes learning new things fun!"  We got to talking about the pressures he, and others, put on themselves to perform at some arbitrary level deemed "good" right off the bat.

It made me realize how often people don't think about the fact that you need "somewhere to be bad" when you're starting out learning a new skill.  Time and again people jump into the "goal" rather than being realistic about the work and the conditions needed up front to get there.  If you want to learn to cook, don't start by throwing a dinner party for a dozen people.  Maybe offer to bring a forgettable side dish to a friend's pot luck, and then have a "plan b" ready if that falls apart.

As I started writing this blog, my first instinct was to tell everyone about it and shout from the virtual mountain top "Hey people - look at all the great stuff I have to say!"  I had to catch myself and ask, "What the heck woman...why are you putting all that extra pressure on yourself when you don't even know if you'll keep this up for a week?"  So, I've sent the link out to a small group of friends so far and it's much more fun for me without that pressure. 

So, therein lies my question for today...why do we put that pressure to be good on ourselves right from the start?  Is it society?  Is it our parents?  Madison avenue?  Hollywood?  Do yourself (and the rest of us) a favor and intentionally choose an appropriate "place to be bad" when you're starting out.  Even better...enjoy being bad at something!  Once you're recognized as having a skill, it's a heck of a lot harder to go back to enjoying making mistakes.  The thrill of discovery will never come as often and as intense as it does at the beginning.  Sit back, be bad and enjoy it.

And even when you're good at something you still need a place to be bad from time to time...and you'll still make mistakes...you've probably just got a more developed skill set to recover from them!

What kind of time do you make?

We all say we'll make time for things that are important to us, but how often do you think about the type of time you make? 

An occasional source of stress for me is misjudging the type of time needed to accomplish a goal.  That goal might be having dinner with a friend, designing a system or umm...blogging.  I'll admit, this is not my first attempt at writing a blog.  Why have I failed in the past?  I assumed I could just "fit it in in between stuff".  My trail of discarded half-baked blogs speaks to how well that worked out...

I now realize that there is a big difference between "task time" and "creative time".  Some other terms I've heard for this distinction are "manager time" and "maker time".  Call it what you will...but you get the gist.

During "task time" I tend to focus on checking off "to do" items and am keenly aware of the next thing I need move on to.  It may be a series of meetings throughout the day, getting through my inbox or doing laundry.  I generally have a strong awareness of time passing and an approximate estimate of when I'll be "done".  Blocking out this sort of time generally means just allotting for it on the calendar.  Blocks of half hours and hours are usually productive and interruptions, while they might be annoying, aren't going to throw off my entire process.

"Creative time" (I'd really like to come up with a better term for this...) is time I'm spending adding value to my life.  It's when I'm unaware how much time has passed and get completely wrapped up in whatever goal or experience has my focus.  I'd imagine it's similar to athletes being "in the zone".  I'd like to think this extends beyond work-related activities to all aspects of my life.  Above I mentioned having dinner with a friend.  If I look at that experience as creating a strong, important bond in my life and using "creative time" to do that, I plan it in a whole different way than "grabbing a bite to eat."  I tend to focus on the quality of the experience, the conversation and become a much more active listener.  I tend to look at the food as a piece of the overall, but not as the main focus.  And most of all, I do my best to eliminate distractions and give my full focus to that experience.  One quick email check can throw my brain out of "dinner-friend immersion" into "how am I going to deal with that?" mode...and it's hard to truly shift back.  Regardless of the "creative time" context, an interruption can throw off the whole experience.

I'm not suggesting that all experiences need to be shoehorned into "creative time", sometimes meeting a friend for a quick bite at lunch while both of you are in semi-task-mode is fine.  As long as both parties understand that's what's going on.  I'm suggesting that too many people don't take a moment to step back and truly think and acknowledge the nature of how they choose to spend their time. 

It takes effort and a bit of discipline to acknowledge the need and "make the right kind of time", but in my experience it's well worth it.