Practice makes...less stress?

Back to my stress related topics..."immunize" yourself against common stressors.

None of us are born knowing how to cope with stress, with the exception of expressing lack of basic needs.  At some point between two and forty years old it becomes inappropriate to cry and scream and poop in your pants if you're not getting what you want.  I'm still not sure of the exact age when that happens...but probably around late 20s.  If you suspect that might not be the best strategy for you, here are a few other techniques to try:

• Identify primary stressors & mentally prepare: Most people think of extremely high stress jobs as needing conditioned training - rescue workers, lion tamers, astronauts, race car drivers - you get the idea...  Even if those aren't your particular ambitions, you can still use similar techniques to prepare for your own conditions.   Visualize yourself in the stressful situation and think about your actions, demeanor and reactions.  Think about why it triggers these responses in you.  By intentfully performing this exercise it activates the same areas in the brain that are activated during the real situation.  Having an understanding and being prepared for what your body and brain will do helps minimize the "in the moment" decisions needed.  Depending on the particular circumstances, watch videos of similar situations and sit with your mental and physical reactions without judging.  This may seem a little silly or simple at first, but if it helps make you a more relaxed, capable person, then why not?  Once you are "in the moment" it's too late - instincts and pre-established patterns take over.  The way that has worked for me to change my patterns is to recognize them outside of the actual event and understand the "whys" that created them.
• A small plan: Take a few minutes and put some thought into something you might do differently to deal with the situation.  There's no need to make an "ultimate plan" (said in a booming echo-y voice), just come up with one little thing you're going to try differently this time.  If it doesn't help, no big deal - try something different next time.  For example - if you know that being stuck in traffic stresses you out, and you have no way to avoid it, how about trying an audio book or podcast instead of music?  What about an audio course to learn a new language for fun?  Who cares if you actually learn something - that's not the point - the point is to take your focus away from your usual stressor - the traffic. 

That being said...my mom just pulled into the driveway...she used to be a source of stress for me (I'm not 12 anymore you know...geeze MOM!!!), but I've worked hard on understanding those triggers and now I'm happy to see her. :-)  

AIDS brings scientists and gamers together...their model can help you too.

While being an expert in your area is great, how often do you look outside your discipline and try to understand the motivations of others?  You might want to consider it...it can change the world. 

One of the coolest collaborations I've seen in a long time just occurred between online gamers and scientists.  Together they mapped the enzyme of an AIDS-like virus.  While this doesn't "cure AIDS" yet, it's a huge step along the way.

What impressed me most about the accomplishment wasn't just the scientific aspect, but the willingness of the science community to think outside its venerated halls of expertise, identify a potentially powerful resource and then devise a contextually appropriate way to leverage that resource.

If they had presented the gaming community with a problem couched in science terms, I'm certain they wouldn't have gotten the awesome outcome they did.  It's got me thinking again on one of my favorite topics...the importance of reading, understanding and tailoring your message to your audience.  How often have you heard, or said the phrase, "It's not what he/she said that bothered me, it's how it was said."?

I leave you with one specific example to think about...  For some people, when they are excited about an idea, their vocal volume increases, they talk faster, and they gesticulate more.  In their minds this is "passion and enthusiasm".  I've seen this interpreted by an audience as "crisis, emergency, call to action" which led to a fundamental disconnect about what was being asked for from the audience.  There are a wide variety of ways to communicate the importance of a message...such as speaking softly but intensely, longer pauses to draw listeners in, allowing your audience to imagine the impact of their contribution, and helping them understand what's in it for them.  These may not occur to you if they're not communication styles you've been regularly exposed to, but if you ask your intended audience or other observers how your idea or message came across, you may be surprised at what you learn.

(Note: I always try to ask people about how my idea or my message came across...not how I did.  People are generally not comfortable with criticizing you as an individual and you may not get accurate feedback that way.)

For the gamers helping the scientists, it came down to the scientists understanding the gamers' strengths and what medium best leveraged them.  Generally speaking, we are all naturally drawn to activities that play to our strengths.

How often to do you take the time to identify the strengths and motivations of your "audience" (co-workers, spouse, significant other, friends, neighbors, children...etc.) before asking for their help, buy-in, support or interest in what you've got to say?

For more info about the scientist-gamer AIDS collaboration go here...it's pretty cool.

Are you avoiding something? You should be...

In a recent study of 3,304 diverse people published in Scientific American Mind magazine they found that, on average, people get a grade of F when it comes to managing stress in their lives.

They then looked at a variety of techniques traditionally used for managing stress, and although most people don't receive formal training in stress management, many people do practice things like yoga and meditation.  These are not nearly as effective as most people think...

Stress has such broad and far ranging effects in our life - from our health, to the way we treat others, the success of our relationships and our overall quality and satisfaction with life to name a few.  In the frenetic, invasive world we live in today, you would think this is a skill that would be taught starting at a young age.  Rather, society treats it as something you're just supposed to know how to "deal with".  Well, I'm here to call shenanigans on that!

The study showed that the best way to deal with stress is to start showing it who's boss before it gets any big ideas...nip it in the bud...a stitch in time saves nine...an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure...

Here are a few ideas - all of which I practice in some form or another in my own life, which in general, is pretty stress free...and not because I'm not out there living - I race cars, yachts and throw knives for fun...I'm a CIO...I beat up a mugger once...I live in two different places (part time in Brooklyn)...I enjoy backwoods trekking in the winter in the Rockies...you get the idea...

• Devote time to identify stressors in your life and devise a plan to deal with them.  This could be as simple as a few minutes while lying in bed in the morning.  Does clutter on the dining room table bother you?  Make a plan to keep the table set at all times to prevent other things from collecting there.  Buy a book about how to declutter.  Just come up with some sort of action to start to take back control.  It can be as simple as taking the first step by committing to get rid of 5 pieces of mail from the table that day.
• Focus on positive ways to release tension.  It's so easy in our culture to turn to alcohol, overeating, drugs, TV watching, World of Warcraft...you get it...all kinds of escapism to deal (or not deal) with stress.  Find ways to reward yourself with pleasurable incentives instead of using them as an escape.  For clearing the mail off the dining room table give yourself an extra hour of gaming time...or crystal meth or something.  
• Keep lists.  Yes, this may sound a little simplistic and dorky, but with so much going on in our lives it's so easy to walk into a room, the grocery store or sit at your desk and have no idea what you were about to do / buy there.  I swear by having a place to write things down when I think of them (usually in my iPhone) and then I can forget about them until I need them called up in the right context.  This way, if I'm choosing to be a slacker and ignore my responsibilities, at least I get the satisfaction of knowing exactly what I'm ignoring.  :-) 

If anyone besides me is reading this, I'd love to hear what stresses you out.  It would also be interesting if you would share your ideas and tips for how you deal with / avoid those things.

I have more of these sorts of strategies, and they're not always easy to do (real change rarely is), but in my experience, it's worth it in the long run.  However, it would be stressful for me to spend the time to write them all out right now...so in order to practice what I preach...ciao for now! (I'll share more in the days to come...)

You are not responsible.

You are not responsible for living up to other people's expectations of who you are.

Just sayin'.

What makes you feel important?

There was a time when a cell phone ringing, beeping and buzzing was a sign that you were "important"...I think that time has passed.

There is a cliche' of the "important business person" or "popular guy/gal" that includes a scene where they're out in some social context and their power/popularity is displayed by the fact that their phone constantly lets them know that others are seeking them out.  Most of the time they seem to feel the need for some brief response or at least a look to see who it is.  They may make apologetic comments, but it seems that secretly they feel pretty badass that they are so critical to so many people.

These days most of us have phones that beep and buzz and turn into a rave party at the slightest bit of incoming information.  Personally, I'm impressed with a person who has the power, control, discipline and social acumen to ignore all of that incoming stimuli.  It shows that they have a strong, clear sense of being able to choose when and how information will influence them.  They are in control of their focus and interactions rather than letting others' priorities dictate when they have access to them.  To me, this is power.

Do you have a place to be bad?

People seem to put a lot of pressure on themselves to be good at something right from the start...do you ever specifically think about your "place to be bad" when you're learning something new?

A couple weeks ago I chatting with a world renown athlete.  You know who this person is...I guarantee it (or you're part of some weird biodome experiment...and if so, why are you reading this blog?).  He has excelled in his chosen sport and at many other things in life.  We got talking about how he wanted to learn to cook and he said, "Yeah, but I probably won't because I don't think I'll be good at it."  I said, "Of course you won't be good at it right away...that's what makes learning new things fun!"  We got to talking about the pressures he, and others, put on themselves to perform at some arbitrary level deemed "good" right off the bat.

It made me realize how often people don't think about the fact that you need "somewhere to be bad" when you're starting out learning a new skill.  Time and again people jump into the "goal" rather than being realistic about the work and the conditions needed up front to get there.  If you want to learn to cook, don't start by throwing a dinner party for a dozen people.  Maybe offer to bring a forgettable side dish to a friend's pot luck, and then have a "plan b" ready if that falls apart.

As I started writing this blog, my first instinct was to tell everyone about it and shout from the virtual mountain top "Hey people - look at all the great stuff I have to say!"  I had to catch myself and ask, "What the heck woman...why are you putting all that extra pressure on yourself when you don't even know if you'll keep this up for a week?"  So, I've sent the link out to a small group of friends so far and it's much more fun for me without that pressure. 

So, therein lies my question for today...why do we put that pressure to be good on ourselves right from the start?  Is it society?  Is it our parents?  Madison avenue?  Hollywood?  Do yourself (and the rest of us) a favor and intentionally choose an appropriate "place to be bad" when you're starting out.  Even better...enjoy being bad at something!  Once you're recognized as having a skill, it's a heck of a lot harder to go back to enjoying making mistakes.  The thrill of discovery will never come as often and as intense as it does at the beginning.  Sit back, be bad and enjoy it.

And even when you're good at something you still need a place to be bad from time to time...and you'll still make mistakes...you've probably just got a more developed skill set to recover from them!

What kind of time do you make?

We all say we'll make time for things that are important to us, but how often do you think about the type of time you make? 

An occasional source of stress for me is misjudging the type of time needed to accomplish a goal.  That goal might be having dinner with a friend, designing a system or umm...blogging.  I'll admit, this is not my first attempt at writing a blog.  Why have I failed in the past?  I assumed I could just "fit it in in between stuff".  My trail of discarded half-baked blogs speaks to how well that worked out...

I now realize that there is a big difference between "task time" and "creative time".  Some other terms I've heard for this distinction are "manager time" and "maker time".  Call it what you will...but you get the gist.

During "task time" I tend to focus on checking off "to do" items and am keenly aware of the next thing I need move on to.  It may be a series of meetings throughout the day, getting through my inbox or doing laundry.  I generally have a strong awareness of time passing and an approximate estimate of when I'll be "done".  Blocking out this sort of time generally means just allotting for it on the calendar.  Blocks of half hours and hours are usually productive and interruptions, while they might be annoying, aren't going to throw off my entire process.

"Creative time" (I'd really like to come up with a better term for this...) is time I'm spending adding value to my life.  It's when I'm unaware how much time has passed and get completely wrapped up in whatever goal or experience has my focus.  I'd imagine it's similar to athletes being "in the zone".  I'd like to think this extends beyond work-related activities to all aspects of my life.  Above I mentioned having dinner with a friend.  If I look at that experience as creating a strong, important bond in my life and using "creative time" to do that, I plan it in a whole different way than "grabbing a bite to eat."  I tend to focus on the quality of the experience, the conversation and become a much more active listener.  I tend to look at the food as a piece of the overall, but not as the main focus.  And most of all, I do my best to eliminate distractions and give my full focus to that experience.  One quick email check can throw my brain out of "dinner-friend immersion" into "how am I going to deal with that?" mode...and it's hard to truly shift back.  Regardless of the "creative time" context, an interruption can throw off the whole experience.

I'm not suggesting that all experiences need to be shoehorned into "creative time", sometimes meeting a friend for a quick bite at lunch while both of you are in semi-task-mode is fine.  As long as both parties understand that's what's going on.  I'm suggesting that too many people don't take a moment to step back and truly think and acknowledge the nature of how they choose to spend their time. 

It takes effort and a bit of discipline to acknowledge the need and "make the right kind of time", but in my experience it's well worth it.